Memories.

Little sis once asked dad, as part of her assignment..
"What are the happiest memories in your life?"
and dad answered with a smile..
"Hmm...those days with your mum..when we were still young..."
Sis went on.."Oh okay..erm what are the saddest memories then..?"

*long pause*

"..when she left us."

and that look in his eye..
brought tears to mine.



Was looking trough the old videos..
and a lot of memories came flashing through.
Both fond..
and bitter ones.



Mum dressing up happily before a wedding dinner...she was so cute and delighted.
A video that makes me chuckle each time.. :)



Then a video that was taken when her health was deteriorating..when her face and arm were swollen..when she had lost her voice and had to communicate with us via little notes,notes that I have kept til now..
one that never fails to cause tears to well up....
At that time..she made sure that she woke up early every morning at 6..to see us going off to school..


I remember I used to dislike my mum when I was young. I disliked the way she compared me with my younger sister..disliked it when she said im lazy with housework and criticized me that all I care is myself..for being selfish..
Even until now..the word selfish brings back a lot of bad memories..I hated that word.I used to think all she loves is my younger sister and not me..

I remember on the night when the bad news came haunting us again..I was in Genting on a class trip..I did not receive the news..and when i went home..I was all in a bad mood..simply because I felt that my parents didn't treat me well enough,in comparison to my classmates...

My classmates have tonnes of pocket money to spend in Genting..while my parents wanted me to pay on my own...even for my room..
My friend's dad came into her room and said,"Girl..so hot go on your aircond!"
while my dad would come in and say "OFF YOU AIRCOND DONT WASTE ELECTRIC DONT WASTE MONEY!"
I sulked and finally burst everything out when my mum came nagging again.
Teenage.Rebellious.Whatever.Everything just seemed bleak to me.
Then this terrible argument started..my mum was telling me how disappointed she is..how ungrateful I was..while i just sulked and cried and cried..hating my life so much..hating her so much.

Then dad broke the bad news to me...that the cancer was back.


Sigh.

Thinking back..she did teach me well..
Now when I receive a compliment...for being independent or hardworking or whatsoever..
it would always remind me of her..the way she taught me and guided us..
I am who I am now..because of her..
and yes..she does love me..how foolish I was..for thinking otherwise..

I remember when I was form 3 and I had this prefect dinner..she came home all the way from work and brought me to a boutique to buy clothes and dresses that I like..no matter how expensive they were..and it meant so much to me at that time..a girl at the awkward age of 15..

and there was once where I wanted contact lens and dad objected it..mum and I sneaked to an optical shop..and she bought it for me..she risked a fight with dad..I remember she had to persuade and argue with dad after that..while I just kept quiet at the backseat of the car..drowning in guilt..(the similar stories goes to my first pair of Nike shoes..my first Japanese meal..my first pair of frame less glasses..my first facial session etc..indulgence that my dad deemed unnecessary but my mum thought it was worth it..to pamper us once in a while..)

these memories...


are memories to be kept with me..forever..
I miss you, ma.


If only you were here.
Love.